All Pro Divisions Set

A Message From The Commish:

With a mere 6 weeks to before the opening of the NFL season and only less than a month to go before the All Pro Fantasy Football League's DRAFT will take place; the divisions have finally been set. For the second year in a row, the divisions will be installed in the All Pro league and they have been done at random once again. I recorded the "randomizing picking out of a hat" last night to put any doubts to rest. Below is the video, the first 5 picked are on division 1, and the last 5 will be in division 2. Good luck to all!

Week 6 Preview

Retirement and Pain: When A Heartache Won't Heal
By: Willie Stroker Willie Stroker: Yahoo Columnist

There comes a time in one's career when you just can't do it anymore. No matter how much effort, practice, brainstorming, and time you put in; things just seem to not go your way anymore. For some, however, this feeling would not even be a thought in their mind, considering they never had a winning season in their fantasy football lives [i.e. Catena, PJ, etc.]. Does this feeling evoke someone to just want to quit and give up forever? According to some All Pro contenders, the answer is: maybe.

Just for the record, PJ will not be reviewed, previewed, or anything of any sort for reasons of constant annoyingness and un-comprehension of the words Fuck You.

Anyone who plays fantasy football in any way, shape or form, strives for one goal and one goal only. They want a championship, so that they can brag and annoy anyone and everyone else involved of how they kicked ass and took names last year with this sleeper pick and that key pickup, etc. Yet only a few will ever attain this feat and be able to stand tall at the top of the mountain, for others although, there caught at the bottom licking their wounds.

Since the start of All Pro, no one has lost as much as a certain team currently. In the inaugural All Pro Season [2004] Kevin and the Chinese Eggrolls started the season at a hefty 0-5 record. Yet bearing all emotional abuse form his All Pro colleagues, Kevin would go on to run off 5 wins in a row, launching him into the second to last spot in the playoffs. The playoffs was where he would get hot winning two more in a row, only to fall to Nicky Coiro and the "Penguins."

Can Kevin pull off another comeback season and make the playoffs? Maybe a more important question: Can Kevin win a game after going down 16 straight games in All Pro? Speaking of winning, Kevin's week 6 opponent is a struggling Josh and company. Let's go over Josh's season so far, in reverse order.

- Josh goes down to Sparky and his Glory by one point on the last play of the game in MNF's Jets v.s. Dolphins, thanks to Ronnie Brown scoring against Josh's Jet Defense with 6 seconds remaining. Josh is found by his mother hiding under his bed, refusing to go to school and refusing to come to dinner.
- Josh defeats another struggler, in Phil and the Romosapiens. Josh as well as everyone else feel he has turned the corner at this point, he has returned to his winning ways, or has he?
-Josh loses his 3rd game straight to open the season. Josh starts panicking, starts eating more within the course of the day. Also takes up smoking Newport Cigarettes very frequently to deal with the pressure laid upon him from fantasy football.
-Josh loses to Gabe, in a well fought battle. Josh knows, or think he knows that it's no big deal, considering he's started 0-2 a few seasons in his career.
-Josh goes down in the opener to Catena. Josh, extremely embarrassed, tries to cope with the defeat by talking shit and making excuses.
-Draft Day: Josh drafts Steven Jackson, as well as a plethora of Tight Ends for no apparent reason. He tells everyone, and i quote, "You'll see, you'll all see."
- Josh goes into the season prepared and ready for any and all comers.

The downward spiral for Josh is one of momentous proportions, considering his past success in this league. That is the reasoning behind his recent cigarette infested madness, he claims to retire if he is Kevin's first win in 17 weeks. Retirement is a word storming in and out of All Pro combatants' mouths in recent posts. Phil also claims to retire if he goes down to the G-Job 187 this week, in fact he was the author of the original retirement threat.

Week 1 was an eye opener for Phil, going down by 40 plus points to the G-Job. Although at that point no one else saw it, but this would be Gary's only win in 5 weeks, going down 4 times, terribly i may add, in the following four weeks.

Week 6 has some major ramifications on the future of All Pro Fantasy Football. Will Kevin finally win? Or will he go down as the best loser of all time [Best because its fun to watch him lose and flip out on society]? Will Josh get another shot at redemption? Or Will his cigarette infested addiction continue? Will Phil go down on the "B-Job" for a second time this year? Or will he fall into a group of All Time All Pro losers with the likes of Mike Catena, Joey Catena, Mike Guiliano, Matt P., and Mike Morrone? Will Dave ever find Waldo? All these questions will be answered come Sunday, yet for some teams in this league, Sunday can most certainly wait.


I AM THE #1 WILLIE STROKER!

Willie Stoker is Yahoo! Sports' national columnist. Send Willie an email at Willie1Stroker@yahoo.com

Week 5 In Review

THE RIVALRY REVIEW
By: Willie Stroker Willie Stroker: Yahoo Columnist

Week 5 was most certainly a hectic week for the All Pro Fantasy Football League. The week didn't exclude me either, as I wasn't even able to publish the rest of the week's rivalries. I had a lot on my plate this past week. My activity this last few days included a trip with Mark Cuban in the Gulf fishing Bonita, a trip back home to Wisconsin for an all important divorce court date with my Jezebel ex-wife, and the National Little Person Convention down in Tulsa on Thursday. So all in all, I'll make up for it with a good ole' Rivalry Review!

Week 5 of All Pro was the first week of variety withing the 5 games played. There was huge blowouts, games coming down to the wire, and plenty of trash talking. Week 5 of football also saw the same collection in its games. We saw ridiculous blowouts such as the Giants over the struggling Oakland Raiders (44-7), one of the worst games in football history, and yes I'm talking about Cleveland v.s. Buffalo (6-3), Overtime games like New England going down to Denver as well as Dallas pulling off a W v.s. a win-less Kansas City team, then came MNF battle with the Jets losing in the final seconds to Ronnie Brown and the Dolphins.

RIVALRY GAME OF THE WEEK
The Birth of A New Rivalry:

Spanarkel's Glory	80	Final
godzillas	79

Flashback to the end of August, 2009: Longtime Jimmasters drop out of All Pro due to a longtime battle with a certain ghost of past All Pro teams, as well as many other addictions. Rivalry week originally consisted of Josh and his Godzillas battling Jimmy's Dad, the Jimmasters, and oh Jimmy too. Enter Andre Spanarkel, and yes, all of the 'glory' that came with the name, stepping into a rivalry that wasn't a rivalry at all, yet. In their very first meeting, the fire was ignited and seeing Josh as the fierce competitor he is, it doesn't seem that the fire will go out anytime soon. I recently got some words from Josh regarding the loss in a very close battle and asked him what he thought of this newborn feud, to which he replied, "I take no prisoners, I am no prisoner." Those were the only 8 words I got out of him in my conference call with the man they call the "Beast From The East" [Eastern Hemisphere that is]. Mr. Spanarkel was not available for comment, as he was busy with jury duty...in a beauty contest.

The game of the week went down to the wire, a wire that left only 6 seconds of hope for the Godzillas. This was of course after a 2 yard touchdown run by Ronnie Brown, that took a good portion of points away from the Jets Defense and the Godzillas, which resulted in the loss of the Godzillas lead as well. Yet whether anybody knew it or not, the Godzilas were still alive, even with 6 minuscule seconds left on the clock. The Jets Defense/Special Teams sat at 137 return yards as they awaited a Miami kickoff. Needing only 13 yards for a 3 point bonus and the lead; there was no doubt that the Jets' returner would run back for at least a puny 13 yards. Yet the Dolphin's kicker had other plans, squibbing the kick and forcing the Jets to sit on the ball, gaining no return yards. Thus holding Spanarkel's one point lead for his 4th win of the season and giving the Godzillas' their 4th loss.

Crotch Waffles	139	Final
The Elastic Warriors	97

A game of the unbeaten [if we don't count the interaction between Gabe and his mother] took place in this week of rivalries. 4-0 Crotch Waffles of the Less Filling Division took on the Great Taste division leader, in the 4-0 Elastic Warriors. Someone had to lose and that is what happened as predicted, someone lost. That loser was trash talkin' Catena and the Elastic Warriors. Catena was beaten 'badly', but did not get the worst of this week. I have heard from sources that Gabe, actually was beaten worse this week [even in his win] by his mother for not taking out the trash Sunday night.

The ALLIANCE	169	Final
Chinese Eggrolls.	125

The ALLIANCE took care of business as Anthony of the team had claimed they would. They pushed the all-time series a game further in their favor over the Chinese Eggrolls, and in the win gave Kevin his 16th straight All Pro loss. This is by far the worst streak in the history of All Pro and probably all of fantasy football.

Dr.Acula	138	Final
Gjob 187	98

The most inconsistent Dr. Acula took down an even more inconsistent G-Job this week. Although the win wouldn't push Mr. PJ any further in the standings, seeing that the rest of the division were all winners, with the exception of the Catena. So now Gary's smack talk is only half-right after 5 weeks of football. He was at work at the draft, yet his team doing work? Eh, not so much.

The Romosapiens	102	Final
Mullet Mafia	138

In a 2008 Championship rematch, nothing had changed come the 2009 battle. Dave asked Phil if he had remembered what happened in last year's game, and yes Phil did indeed refresh every one's memory. The Mullet Mafia took this one very early on with 1st quarter heroics from Ahmad Bradshaw. Dave is now in the thick of things with the rest of the league after starting off 0-2. Now with Donovan McNabb and Wes Welker healthy again, who knows what the Mullet Mafia could be capable of.



I AM THE #1 WILLIE STROKER!

Willie Stoker is Yahoo! Sports' national columnist. Send Willie an email at Willie1Stroker@yahoo.com

Week 5: RIVALRY WEEK

RIVALRIES: Can't Beat Em'
By: Willie Stroker Willie Stroker: Yahoo Columnist

Week 4 saw a new rivalry born within an even stronger, older rivalry in football. Brett Favre, now wearing the purple and gold, took down his former Green and Gold, Green Bay Packers. Rivalries like this is what drives us to watch big time games on Sunday and Monday nights like this past week. The same goes for fantasy football and my personal favorite, the All Pro Fantasy League. Week 5 brings on the rivalries, so lets get on to the preview!


The Rivalry of Rivalry Week:

The ALLIANCE	0	Match Up
Chinese Eggrolls.	0

This is a rivalry that hasn't started this week, nor this season, and not even last season. Believe it or not, this rivalry started brewing long before the storied birth of the All Pro Fantasy Football League. This rivalry started before both of these fellows were even a twinkle in their father's eye. Hell, this started even long before Dave was even a twinkle in his mother, and Ant's eye. It's been going on not since the beginning of time, but since simply, the beginning.

Both teams have been going at it since the inaugural All Pro season in 2004. In fact, these two foes squared off in the first official game in All Pro, in week 1 of the 2004 season. The ALLIANCE [featuring only one member at the time] defeated the Eggrolls in that first meeting. Yet Kevin and the Eggrolls would go on to defeat the ALLIANCE two times after that year, including in the semifinals leading Kevin to a 2nd place finish.

The following year, Kevin would take both regular season matchups, yet in another payoff matchup, the ALLIANCE sent the Eggrolls packing in the first round, going on to a 2nd place finish. 2006 saw a career year for the ALLIANCE, going 9-5 in the regualr season gettin the 2 seed. One of those losses came to the Eggrolls once again by a total of 1 point. Later on that year they owuld split the season series, with the ALLIANCE mauling the Eggrolls by over 50. Yet the Eggrolls would see another trip to the championship, only to go down to Josh once again.

In 2007, the two rivals split the season series at 1-1 yet again, both being bounced first round. On the other hand, this past year, the ALLIANCE had Kevin's number. They sat on the Eggrolls, literally, and Ant is a big boy so I can vouch that it really hurt. In turn the Chinese Eggrolls had their worst season ever, coming in last place. This season, Kevin doesn't look to stop where he left off started 2009 at 0-4.

THIS MAKES IT 15 LOSSES IN A ROW FOR KEVIN AND THE CHINESE EGGROLLS.

There is a whole lot riding on this game; Billy's pride, Kevin's courage, Ant's lunch... and the list goes on. Kevin once started 0-5 and made a run at a 2nd place finish, yet another occurrence of this is very unlikely, especially if they go down for their 16th week in a row in All Pro. The All time series is at ALLIANCE 5, Eggrolls 6. The ALLIANCE looks to crush the Eggrolls and write their name in stone in the annals of All Pro time, while the Chinese Eggrolls look to simply just win. It should be a slobber knocker, a barn burner, and all out brawl. Yet who will come out with bragging rights?


COMING VERY SOON: MULLET MAFIA-ROMOSAPIENS.... and all other irvalries this week

I AM THE #1 WILLIE STROKER!

Willie Stoker is Yahoo! Sports' national columnist. Send Willie an email at Willie1Stroker@yahoo.com

All Pro Update Numero Uno

Weeks 1&2 Review, Week 3 Preview
By: Willie Stroker Willie Stroker: Yahoo Columnist

Wow, It's finally here. Are you ready for some football? Back in my young days living on the ole' Wisconsin ice trails all I could think about was that opening week of the greatest sport going; some good ole' fashioned football. It seems like it was yesterday that my father, Sonny Stroker, took me to my first Packers game down at the storied Lambeau field. There was always just something about that Frozen Tundra that would get me so excited! Oh, well I've gone a little off track here, but here we go, off to some fantasy football reviews!

With two weeks in the books, the All Pro Fantasy Football League is looking like two separate leagues within two separate leagues. The Great Taste Conference has come out to a strong start, boasting two undefeated records with only one team without a W.

WEEK 1

GAME OF THE WEEK:

The ALLIANCE	136	Final
Dr.Acula	59

In a week of sheer blowouts, there was not one game that went down to the wire. Every game was decided early, so why not have the most convincing defeat as the GOTW? As my good friend Anthony Dellavale of the Alliance would say, "We have been roundhouse kickin' people since 2001," and nothing changed in week 1 of the 2009 season. Drew Brees continued where he left off last season posting 50 points on 6 huge TD passes. The ALLIANCE could have won this one with Brees and pretty much any other one player on their team. This 77 point loss was so bad, that Patrick Willis, the defensive player for the ALLIANCE scored more points than any player of the opposition. ALLIANCE gets the thumbs up for a great start, yet the thumbs down most certainly go to Dr. Acula, scoring the least amount of points in All Pro history with a full team in play. Make that several thumbs down....

The Elastic Warriors	123	Final
godzillas	105

The closest game of the week was a little closer than the score shows. This game was pretty close entering the Sunday and Monday night games, considering the Godzillas still had MVP caliber QB Tom Brady set to go, down about twenty points or so. It stayed there until about two minutes left in the 4th quarter of that New England game, yet Josh would still fall a few points short. The Warriors get the thumbs up, and godzillas most definitely down. You can't win every year my dear Asian friend, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and accept mediocrity.

Chinese Eggrolls.	112	Final
Crotch Waffles	134

You know your in trouble when your kicker scores a fat goose egg, even though his team had two extra point attempts. This could be another year of futility for Kevin and the Eggrolls if he can't pull another miracle run off. The Crotch Waffles on the other hand boast a team full of scoring diversity. With a crafty Minnesota Defense backing the team, Reggie Wayne and Frank Gore (of the 2-0 49er's) are sure to put up big numbers week after week. Thumbs up to the Crotch Waffles, Two thumbs down to the Eggrolls. The Chinese Eggrolls are in a lonely dark place right now.

Spanarkel's Glory	147	Final
Mullet Mafia	97

Flat out ass beating in this one. Spanarkel ripped off Dave's mullet, pissed on it, then neatly placed it back on his head because he kind of felt bad for him. The Mafia left a lot to be desired in this one, not even breaking the triple digit landmark. The Glory of Andrew Spanarkel made good use of their 8th Round Pick, The Philadelphia defensive unit. Philly's D scored a whopping 49 points, which was pretty much the difference in this one. Thumbs up for Spanarkel, two thumbs down for Dave and the Mullet Mafia. Better luck next time Dave.

The Romosapiens	107	Final
Gjob 187	153

The Gjob not only drafted his team over the phone from work, but would then go on to open a can of whoopass on the Romosapiens. Just another blowout of week 1, except for the fact that the Gjob would score the most points in the league this week. The Gjob almost made it to his team name, 187, yet fell a little short. Phil actually had his own team work against him in more than one way. First off Bironas scored minus points, never helpful, and Phil's own Cowboy stars were the biggest scorers against him. All in all I see this as a insanely good week for Gary, and an off week for The Romosapiens. So in this one, I give thumbs up to both competitors.


Week 2
GAME OF THE WEEK:
Actually scratch that......

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:

Dr.Acula	150	Final
Mullet Mafia	113

Yet another week of blowouts, so I had to have Blowout of the Week for this one. Dr. Acula made a huge turnaround following his piss poor performance in the opener. The Mafia on the other hand, got manhandled like a puny white boy, with a mullet, in the prison showers. The Mullet Mafia most definitely dropped the soap in week 2. And Dr. Acula most definitely had the cure... Dr. Acula was most supported by their star player: Chris Johnson. Johnson went on a tear in week two breaking off 3 amazing plays on his way to 53 fantasy points. The Mafia is digging an early grave while Dr. Acula is on his way out of one.

Chinese Eggrolls.	96	Final
The Romosapiens	130

This game could be perfectly described by Kevin's smack talk: "SHIT!" After a second week of poor performances by the Chinese Eggroll's players, it looks to be another losing season for Kevin. The Romosapiens on the other hand looked to be what we all expected them to be this week, following an off week in the opener.

The Elastic Warriors	128	Final
Spanarkel's Glory	93

Spanarkel's Glory ran into a brick wall in the form of Drew Brees and the stellar New Orleans Offense. Philadelphia's Defense was torn apart by the potent Saints offense, leaving Spanark's Defense to a worthless 2 points. Without Philly playing to their potential killed his Glory and the Warriors would come out and steal this one. Catena stayed consistent with Jones-Drew and Manning putting up double digits. I look to see both teams bounce back in week 3 with wins.

Crotch Waffles	144	Final
godzillas	126

Another disappointing week for Josh's Godzillas, while the Crotch Waffles continued to roll scoring very high numbers for the second straight week. Josh wasn't even confident in his team, as he predicted to lose minutes before the first games started. Not a good start for the Godzillas; Waffles off to a phenomenal start.

The ALLIANCE	124	Final
Gjob 187	92

The Gjob claimed his team did work, yet the only work he would be doing is screaming moaning as Ant, and only Ant ,of the ALLIANCE Gjobbed him this week. The ALLIANCE put up consistent numbers across the board once again, backed by the only consistent QB in the league Drew Brees, and surprise of the season thus far Fred Jackson. The Gjob on the other hand had his QB, Tony the homo Romo stopped in his tracks by the ALLIANCE's New York Football Giant's Defense. This one was over early, and convincingly early.


WEEK 3 PREVIEW
After two full weeks of football, we have 3 teams boasting undefeated records, as well as 3 teams quietly losing both weeks so far. As for the undefeated teams, I see only one team coming out of week 3 without a scratch and in my best opinion, it will come out of the Crotch Waffle-ALLIANCE game.

This has GOTW written all over it and that is because of the healthy matchups both teams have. The key factors in this one will be the QB's and Defenses. Drew Brees is bound to light up the halfway decent Buffalo secondary, while Eli Manning is coming off his best regular season performance, playing the Buc's of Tampa Bay. Expect this one to be extremely high scoring on both ends of the stick.

My predicted blowout of the week is in the Spanarkel-Eggroll matchup. No one can argue that the Glory of Spanarkel will not put up big numbers with matchups like the Rodgers-Jennings combo traveling to the dome in St. Louis and Philadelphia welcoming 0-2 Kansas City into their home turf.

Upset of the week is going to be the Mullet Mafia pulling one out of his sore ass (from week 2) over the Gjob 187. I expect Trent Edwards to score at least 3 TD's considering he will probably be throwing the ball almost every down against the streaking New Orleans Saints.

I don't see the Romosapiens losing this week either. Sure you can argue the Elastic Warriors have some pretty good matchups going this week, but I see Phil's receivers alone maybe scoring 80 points. With Schaub back to mid-season form I can't see the Romosapiens going down this week.

The Dr.Acula-Godzillas matchup is certainly the most compelling one to keep your eye on. This game is going to make or break both teams. The Godzillas can't start 0-3 and expect to make the playoffs. Its way too big of a mountain to climb. On the other side of the spectrum, Dr.Acula can not lose either. A loss would make them a 1-2 club, but more importantly a 1-2 club walking into a probable ass whoopin' in week 4 facing Spanarkel's Glory.

All in all we got a week of hopefully some close games, and not 5 blowouts. GO PACKERS!


I AM THE #1 WILLIE STROKER!

Willie Stoker is Yahoo! Sports' national columnist. Send Willie an email at Willie1Stroker@yahoo.com